sustainable hope

For the past two or three weeks I have had horribly depressing dreams. Lack of control and devastating events lurk in my brain nightly. It is wearing me out. I know enough about the subconscious mind to realize it's a way of dealing with my stresses on the inside when I don't want to cope with them on the outside. I'm usually pretty good at staying focused on the positive, but I am coming to grips with the reality that this is beginning to be a struggle for me on the worst of days. If I look back through my adult life, I can watch these struggles come and go, but lately it's become a little overwhelming at times. Here's how I cope. I stuff it. I bake. I bake. I bake some more. Not good. Anyhow, it is what it is. Trying to turn my frustrations in other directions. Painting, writing, walking the dog. Good, positive, healthy things. Sometimes these things win, often they lose. But, it's the process and I think the more I do them, the easier they will come.
But back to dreaming. Last night was the creme de la creme of depressing dreams. I know where it came from. Loss. Feeling a lot of it lately. The beginning of empty nest, new job which meant leaving my old one, which lead to the loss of my comfort zone, loss of self, loss loss loss...ick. Tired of loss. I know it's just a phase and life will get better. It's changing. The new reality is stepping in with a clunk and it's time to let it in. Let it in or it will stomp you flat. Remember that self, it WILL stomp you flat. Focus. Focus. There are so many good people out there. I will seek them out and remember why I love life, trust God, and keep some naivete. The best part of living.