anticipation

I have applied for a new job. A new job that is kind of an old job. I have been subbing in the same position for two months. I love this job. I want this job. A lot. It's fun to come to work everyday. I look forward to my day. I love the people I work with, I love the atmosphere, I love the karma. My kind side knows that whoever gets it, gets it. Everyone that is applying wants it, and in my rational mind, I know that. But, it's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night. I review my interview answers over and over in my head. I torture myself with "what ifs", I occasionally fantasize that I'll get it. Reality check. God puts me where I need to be. Always. I don't always like it, but I always come to realize it's where I need to be at the time. So. Life marches on and I must be patient and grateful. Then I can grumble or rejoice. Move on and learn my lessons.

dreamland

Simply exhausted. I need sleep. I crave sleep, but it does not come easily. Sleeping pills, hot baths, boring t.v., anything is worth a try. Problem is, when you take a sleeping pill, your body may be asleep, but your mind is wide awake. Dreaming, always dreaming. Vivid, live it now, kind of dreaming. So when you wake up, you're not rested. You've just forgotten about some nighttime hours instead. I miss the kind of sleep where you are so beat that you can't keep your eyes open. You struggle to read in bed, but your eyes droop. You feel heavy and before you know it, you're out. You dream, but you don't live them. You forget them in the morning. You wake rested. You wake ready. I think I had that feeling last in about the eighth grade. Insomnia crept in like a snake wrapping around your throat. You feel it, but you can't shake it. It sucks, and that's all I have to say about that.

family

I have a new puppy. She's insane. She's wicked. She fits right in. Her name is Baxter, a homage to "Anchorman". No one calls her that, but so it is. I like Baxter, but raising a puppy is taxing. She whines....a lot. She wakes me up way too early on my days off. She's a baby in canine form. My dog, Donut, loves her. It's his new toy. He tosses her around the carpet for entertainment and she merrily joins in. She growls when you pick her up. Bad chihuahua attitude already. Working on that one. Apart from the growling, she is a peach. She's good on the leash, sweet in your lap, and tiny as a bug. She'll get used to this family life and we'll get used to her. She's growing on us, this little tornado of terror.

Exhaustion

I am frustrated. Frustrated as a parent. Parenting is on the worst days saddening. Sad because I don't like to see my kids hurt or frustrated or depressed. I don't like that I have to play a part in that sometimes. That I am the cause of that sometimes. I remember being a kid. I remember being so fed up with my parents and their rules. I remember thinking "I'll never do this to my kids." But you do. You have to. It's painful. It hurts me physically. It makes me sick to my stomach. There's no way around it if you want to set any kind of reasonable expectations. I hurt. I hurt for them. This is a tough time to parent. Kids grow up way too fast. I want to keep mine as safe as I can for as long as I can, but I've found that control is mostly in my head. Things happen, I don't like it, and I have to decide to parent the right way whether it's fun or not. I hope my kids get it someday. I guess they will, that's my hope anyway.

Testing,,1,2,3

This is a time of tests. Life tests, not scantron bubbles. My patience is tested. With my job, I must learn to pick out the seeds of okayness in a swarm of disrespect. Knocked through the halls like a pinball, it's hard to like your neighbor. Living check to check. No fun at all. Your mind spends all it's extra time, the time you used to enjoy just thinking, on worry. Worry about bills, worry about the now. One thing about worry is I don't seem to transfer it to the future. I harbor it here in the now. My brain is too taxed to fast forward. I will simply hope for betterment in all things. With most tests, I find a way to cope. I smile or I cry in my car. I sneak off to the lake, sit in my car, and eat Taco Bell. All while listening to talk radio. It's comforting in my steel cocoon. No one dare rattle my psyche when I'm in the zone. I need time to feel detached from doing, if just for a few minutes, then I miss my chaos and I return refreshed. Test me Lord, it keeps me on my toes. It makes me cherish what I have and disregard what I don't. Life is simpler now. The money tree has gone underground and all I can see are the leaves above.

tell it like it is

This has been the year of brutal honesty. Coming face to face with some real life problems and learning to live with those who pull no punches. Problem is, I think I like it. I've grown up with so much avoidance and pussyfooting around that I rather enjoyed the smack in the face of reality. It woke me up. This past year I've met two people who are exceedingly frank about their feelings about life and others. As I've grown older, I've come to realize that I appreciate the lack of game playing. They know what they know and they aren't going to sweeten it up on my behalf. So far from the person I am. I would poke a hot stick in my eye before I'd offend someone. But that isn't always the best solution to a situation. I admire the stick pokers. While I may cringe at their frankness, I find solace in their honesty.

take a chill pill

I'd like a little more patience with myself. Not sure how to get it, but I'd like it all the same. I've been on this planet nearly fifty years now, and I still think the same thoughts I did when I was a young thing. In fact, it's as if I stuck myself under a very large magnifying glass so I could choose each blemish in my character and amplify it. I much enjoy the days when I am so incredibly busy that I don't have time to mull over my flaws. I like being so overwhelmed that life is blurred like a tornado, with bits of problems scattering around me, but I have absolutely no way of catching anything. That's okay. It's a way of rationalizing the list. The list of woes that goes spinning in my head. I much prefer to focus on the good. The people who do nice things. My kids and their joys. A new project that wraps me up and takes hold. When things are utter chaos, chaos comforts me. In stillness shines the error of my ways.